What are you supposed to do when you can’t run away?

When the earth refuses to swallow you whole

And let your thinking cease?

Because I’d give just about anything

To lie down and stop existing.

I need a break.

I need a break from a break.

But I think it’s obvious that

I don’t do very well with a lot of time to myself.

I wonder what everyone else does

When it feels like a part of them wants to die.

I wonder what happens when they are alone.

Do they claw at their skin? Do they rip out a beating heart

And leave it to rot in the open air?

And when they emerge from the darkened spaces of their mind,

I wonder if anyone kicks them back down again.

Fall seven times, stand up eight.

That’s what they say.

But what will happen on the nearing day

When I can not stand up again?

When my knees are weak and I’ve become so well acquainted

With the stone cold floor?

I see their faces, know the looks.

Don’t think I haven’t heard them.

They will add to the insults, to the names

That I already call myself.

I am an emotional punching bag,

And I am only trying to knock the tears out of me.

Because it hurts so much more to claw at them.

So this is why they colored me a thousand shades of hopeless

To add to the white noise

Buzzing

In

My

Head.

But this is my blaze.

And If I don’t live to see the glory come, then that’s okay.

That’s okay.

But I hope you know that I am more

Than just blood and bone strung together with a needle and thread.

I am a heartbeat and a life force and a dream.

And maybe I’m only made up of the stardust from wishes that never came true,

But it’s stardust all the same.

To market, to market,

They call us to arms.

And they pray that we’ll answer

When they sound the alarms.

To market, to market,

A call for the war,

But the guns all went off,

Now there’s blood on the floor.

This is when I discover the answer

to the question I had so long ago.

But the reason I don’t have a punching bag in my room

to channel out my anger and help me breath,

is because I am my own punching bag.

And I will tear my self down,

blow by tragic blow.

I will push myself harder every time I fail,

not bothering to correct my mistakes.

And it isn’t really any surprise when I don’t succeed.

And one of these years my patience will run out.

But I am my own punching bag.

And I suppose it doesn’t matter,

as long as the bruises don’t show.

You never could have handled me,

No matter what you tried to see,

And if you did think differently,

I’m sorry, but you’re wrong.

See, there’s this fire in my soul,

A little warmth left in the coal.

I’m working hard to reach my goal.

I’ve known it far too long.

We never would have made it through

With all the things we’d have to do,

And maybe I’m just telling you,

What you knew all along.

So now I’ve got to walk away.

I’ve said all that I had to say.

Tomorrow is another day.

To hum my favorite song.

But I won’t worry about you,

If you won’t worry what I’ll do,

You’ve only got to tie your shoe

To find where you’ll belong.

See, there’s a road way up ahead,

Some good ideas in your head,

So if you’ve heard a word I’ve said,

You should be on your way.

This life’s a funny thing to live.

It hurts to take, it hurts to give.

It’s even harder to forgive,

But that’s the price we pay.

I recommend you say goodbye,

Before the sunlight leaves the sky,

Before the mountain gets too high.

And your plans start to stray.

It’s time that you learned how to move,

And time to learn they won’t approve,

‘Cause they’re the ones you should remove,

To keep the hurt at bay.

If you start now, it’s not too late.

And maybe you could change your fate.

It’s up to you to contemplate

And lead yourself away.

It strikes me as terribly sad to know

That some people will wander the streets at night

Looking for a place to put their love,

Because they are overflowing with it

And can find no one to give it to.

It keeps me awake at night. Maybe, I suppose, because

I am one of them.

They never told us it would be this way.

But if they’d warned me, I know I wouldn’t listen.

How could I hear them when I could not hear my own heartbeat?

And so I was doomed to this, and you were too.

And that is why we lie awake at night and pretend to know how it feels

To be loved.

But when I see pictures of people smiling,

An honest, humble smile,

It makes me unreasonably happy.

And I wonder if it really is honest,

Or if it’s just painted on.

And I’ll choose to ignore the facts

And put my hope in happiness.

I bet you ten dollars

that, in my entire lifetime, I will never understand

how someone can love a quote without understanding

what it means or where it comes from,

or how people can like a character just because he’s sexy

regardless of his past or present.

And I will never get how people will fall in love

with someone they’ve never known and never will.

All I know is that when the end of the movie came,

and everything seemed to be okay again,

if only for a little while,

I started crying.

And it was too dark to see me, but still they could hear.

And I was only one of seven who had read the book and felt the meaning.

So it wouldn’t surprise me if they didn’t understand why.

Because we all have our own hurts and our own scars.

And we all have our own paths and history.

So it’s better that they didn’t know why, and that I didn’t tell them.

Because I wager ten dollars that,

in my entire lifetime,

I won’t even understand.

They took a sharpie

And scrawled on my forehead,

‘NOT GOOD ENOUGH.’
But I went out to face the world anyway,

In my foolishness,

In my own defiance.

And I’m not sure why,

But I was a little shaken when they sent me home,

Right after they told me that

I’ll never be better

Than second best.

The hardest thing to accept -

There’s a lot of things.

How we don’t talk anymore.

How we used to share everything

You even used to answer me.

Used to.

But I messed up.

And I guess you started giving up on me

Long before I started fighting for you.

But it’s the hardest thing, knowing you don’t want me in your life anymore.

And I want to help you. I want

To fight for you,

But you won’t let me.

So, okay. Give up on me.

I can live with that. Or at least I can try.

But don’t give up on yourself.

Because then, we’re both doomed.

I think about you

Too much.

I think about how we’re such strangers.

I think about how I should have fought harder.

How I should have kicked and screamed and clawed my way

Back into your life.

And I still could - that’s the worst part.

But you don’t want me there.

And it’s hard to accept.

There’s a really bad love song,

Stuck in my heart,

Been playing for years.

I keep hitting restart.

And I know you don’t know it,

But it’s all about you.

Been playing forever

And you don’t have a clue.

I used to think maybe,

After a while,

I’d give you a kiss

And you’d give me a smile.

But I lost that chance now,

Can’t get it back.

Can’t pick myself up

When I’m under attack.

There’s a really bad love song,

Stuck in my mind.

Been making me crazy,

Been making me blind.

Keep going nowhere.

I’m stuck in this place.

Got my head in the clouds

And I’m losing this race.

I used to think maybe,

After September,

You’d give me your heart,

And a love to remember,

But now there is nothing.

Now I’m alone.

I’ve got nothing to lend you

And nothing to own.